Faith Check

Today was one of those days that God uses life experiences to give us a faith check. This morning the boys and I got up and around. At about eleven o'clock we headed for the Center for Disabilities and Development in Iowa City. Lochlan had an appointment with a developmental pediatrician regarding his autism and self injurious behaviors. Now I know better than to go to any appointment without reinforcement, but I honestly thought maybe it would be good for them to see how difficult it really is right now managing their behaviors. Lets just say that it was more than either one of us bargained for. At one point the Dr. left the room so I could try to get Sully under control before we continued. The boys were behaving terribly and I could barely keep up with both of them in the tiny 8x8 room. I could have cried. I listened as she continued to tell me that his behavior is not uncommon in children with autism and that at some point we may need to use medication for him. I looked at my precious boys and my heart just sank. She continued on to tell me that kids with Asperger's are typically nervous and anxious kids and that Sully too may need to be medicated to be able to cope. It has been over 2 years since I first heard the words "I think your son may have autism". You would think that by now it would have sunk in. So how can my heart sink so low every time another professional comes to the same conclusion? I know that my sweet little sons have autism, I think what gets me is I can't ever seem to do enough to fix it. So she went on to say that she would refer Lochlan to the Behavioral Psychologist's waiting list (yes another list!) and supports the speech and ABA therapy we are trying to get into place. She also recommended we get some respite for both boys. With that we packed our things and loaded back into the car. I was so very disappointed that there was no medical cause for his SI behavior and that it was in short just autism. We got back on the interstate and headed for home. Along the way the skies clouded and storms moved in just to the north of I-80. Sully was so fascinated by the clouds and as they swirled across the sky it was as if God was painting. The sky was so beautiful. I explained to Sully that God made this and it is all beautiful. Even in storms there can be beauty. This really got me thinking about the last week. It has been so ugly at our house with behaviors and meltdowns but if you look at what God is doing with our hearts in this time it is simply beautiful. If you know me you know that I like to be organized and in control. There is no control with autism-not for me anyhow, and I am constantly depending on my Lord for patience and guidance. I have come to turn to him when I feel so crazy and out of control and amazingly he puts me back together so we can get through another day.